facebook, failure and introspection

facebook always depresses me.

i do not like seeing the people in my past. i do not like seeing people from 20 years ago or 10 or 5. i know that it is an excellent tool to keep up with everyone. i find it overwhelming though. and it invariably makes me feel inadequate. like, my life is not enough. i do not look at others life and ever think “that life is for me! what was i thinking!?!!?” it is more like “why can’t i co-exist like a human with these people?” and “why is this all so boring?”

it makes me sad though. like i’m a failure. it reminds me of all the people that seem so distant. sure, i could remedy it by reaching out, but after a few attempts, it all starts to feel so empty and fake. then i am feeling sad for a different reason. “why must i be / feel so empty in order to fit in with the majority of people?”

so, i generally choose option 3. avoid most humans entirely. this brings a new sadness in. i guess i should just focus on finding the happy things and move forward.

it seems like no matter what you do, there is always sadness to be found. you succeed at your job? too bad your family hates you. you are a loving spouse? of course you are, you suck at your career. you provided a good strong role model for your children? yes, but they can’t relate to you emotionally.

i know there must be balance to be had somewhere, somehow. i guess these incongruencies only exist when you look for them. like a tree falling in the forest. like a star exploding in another universe. like a child crying alone in the dark.

it is about perspective. perhaps without these moments of introspection and sadness, there would be no moments of cheek-hurting laughter and happiness. perhaps it’s the impetus needed to re-evaluate and point the compass back to who, what and where you want to be.

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~ by youcouldfeelthesky on March 16, 2010.

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